Pause

Got a call today from a detective with SDPD regarding my backgrounds. I guess this is really where it all starts. Starting to get more and more nervous with each passing day. It's so crazy because I've been through these backgrounds before and never had a problem. But I think the idea of anyone inspecting every facet of your life is always little nerve wracking. The idea of someone doing it for a job with my dream department, even worse.

Workouts have come to a screetching halt for the time being. Started the second round of injections for the egg donation on Monday and woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus. Flu-like symptoms, joint pain, back pain, headaches... a whole mess of awesomeness. Apparently, these are common side effects from one of the medications and they're making it virtually impossible to do much of anything, let alone work out.

Thankfully the process itself is short and it's such an amazing gift to be able to give someone. I remind myself that the ultimate goal is a baby and it helps me push through the day when I can barely move. The pain meds did help quite a bit but have also left me a little groggy. I keep repeating to myself, "10 more days, 10 more days..." "9 more days, 9 more days..." We are looking at egg retrieval on November 4-6 and I'll be out of commission for a few days afterward. After that, it's on. Time for the big guns and gearing up for my big race(s) in January.

Testing, testing, one, two, three...

After a stressful drive down to San Diego, I made it to my test with time to spare. About 50 people had come to test. I was done in plenty of time and had until 12:45 when I would get my results. I wasn't worried until I saw person after person walking out with failed test results. I admit, although the test was very much common sense, I was still nervous. But it was my lucky day and I passed the test along with about 20 others. We were shuttled off to our initial background and spent the next three hours seated comfortably in a hard, plastic chair hashing out every ungodly detail of our lives to complete strangers. I think it's meant by design to make you feel a little beat up. A healthy dose of getting ready for the academy.

On my way home, because my day wasn't exciting already, I got rear ended on the freeway ...from the front. Could only happen to me. As if getting hit weren't enough the crazy girl seriously thought I hit her and refused to give me her information. Soooo, a call to CHP and her getting chewed a new one by two officers and my day was finally over. What is it about my crazy life?

And apparently something was sparked in me because I followed it all up with two new PR's on Saturday night. A brand new 2:10/mile on the bike followed by a 150 max on the lat pull. And because I'm just never satisfied, I managed two real hammer pull pull-ups and two chin ups on Sunday.

Is this what it feels like?

After a somewhat stressful day at work yesterday, I decided to hit the gym and work through some of that pent up energy. I had pretty low expectations since I figured my brain would be in a million other places. But as I settled in on the bike, everything else drained away, sort of like it does during a good run. I could hear my breathing, even over my music and it was rhythmic and pushed me even harder. I realized about 20 minutes in that I was going a lot faster than I had before. By the time I got to my 2 minute cool down I had already passed my PR. I've hung around 2:22 a mile for a while now and I crushed that last night with 2:15 a mile. Of course, I couldn't be satisfied with that alone. So I maxed my lat pull too. :-) I'm at 140 now and I'm on my way to pull ups. I could stand to feel like I did last night every night but then again, maybe getting it infrequently is part of what makes it special. Whatever it is, I'm still floating.

Confession

So, my blogs about San Diego hating me may have been a bit premature. Although I can't be faulted for my response, at least not in my humble opinion.

I did hear through the grapevine that San Diego had sent out invites on Friday 10/7 to take the written test, which was confirmed by the Department's employment website. It essentially reported that invites to test had been sent out and if you didn't receive one, thanks but no thanks.

I checked my email so many times that Friday that I'm surprised my phone didn't start cussing me out. Every time my inbox was empty. It was a long weekend and I had Monday off of work. Plenty of time to mope around all weekend- which I did fantastically. A Facebook post and two blog posts later, I was sufficiently complained out.

What I did not expect was to open my work email only to have an invitation to test staring at me. Wow. Now I feel like an ass.

Apparently, even though I input my personal email about a million times with the intention of having any correspondence available on my phone, the employment website the city uses had my work email as my "registered email" thereby overriding my personal email.

So, as much as it pains me to say, I was wrong. And, although I hate admitting that, there's nothing I'd rather have been wrong about than this. So, thank you San Diego for at least pretending to give this fat, old lady a chance. I'll see you Thursday. Best of luck to all the candidates. Aww, who am I kidding? Everyone out of my way- I've got something to prove to myself. ;-)

Back on the horse

I've jumped back into training and I forgot how good the endorphins feel. I'm switching it up a bit now, doing a lot of riding and upper body weight training.

With the gradual move to the time change, it's now totally dark when I would be running during football practice. Since I was typically running from home to practice (3-4 miles depending on my route) coupled with my desire to not have my body dumped in an open field, I'm not running to practice anymore. The route options for me are both too risky in the dark. That, and I'm really not a treadmill runner.

My goals for now are to PR on my ride and to finally master a pull up. Was so close to a PR tonight I could taste it. Need to drop below 2:22/mile to claim it and tonight was 2:23/mile. What a tease.

As for the pull up, I can get my forehead up to the bar so far so I keep asking myself what's another 6-8 inches? I have been working on reverse pull ups as recommended by several people and started working out on the lat pull at the gym. A few days ago, I realized that the lat pull should essentially be the equivalent of lifting my own body weight if I was able to do a pull up. Tonight I maxed out at 130. I am stoked right now. I probably could have pushed it more, but I am very, very happy with my max.

Oh, crap. Now I have to beat my PR AND my lat pull max.

New Directions

"Where there is no struggle, there is no strength." Unknown

In July, in a huge leap of faith, I applied to the San Diego Police Department as a Police Recruit. It is and always will be the place I would love to work. I can't think of anything better than being able to work for a city that I love. Unfortunately, the City of San Diego aparently does not love me as much as I love it. At least not the Police Department.

I can't say that I blame them all that much. They can only test the most qualified applicants and a 30-year-old mom definately doesn't scream "qualified." Understandable? Yes. Heartbreaking? Hell yes. I guess a part of me was hoping they'd at least give me a chance to prove myself. And, if nothing else, give them a chance to fill some kind of old woman, equal rights quota or something.

I still really haven't figured out what my next move is. It's obvious that life is like a game of chess right now and I have to analyze the entire board. I had an opportunity to apply for an academy but I turned it down, more on the advice of others than my own personal goals. I saw it as a great chance to get my foot in the door, while still being able to work full time. But my sentiments were not shared with those whose lives it would have affected as well. So, now all I have to my name are two blown opportunities.

I have people encouraging me to not give up. But I think that's just sort of the cliche thing to say in a situation like this. It's never been more tantalizing to just let go than it is right now. And it has nothing to do with getting rejected by the one place that I've wanted to work, the only place to adjust their hearing standards. It's because I've let go of this dream before. I did give up on it. I couldn't fight the battle anymore because it was just a constant reminder that I would never get where I wanted to be. This dream was resurected. I feel like letting go again would not be nearly as tragic as it was the first time.

I don't like giving up. And I'm not a quitter. Realistically, I'm just trying to find ways to make myself happy. Is that selfish? Maybe a little. I know one thing for sure- my epic fail with the City of San Diego didn't make me happy. Never in a million years did I expect it to end the way it did.

Maybe it means I'm self confident that I don't face every situation with trepidation, pessimism, and worry. But seriously, how many more times can I go through that before I become a bitter, angry person? What do I do now? Apply to other Departments knowing they won't accept me after the medical exam? Reapply to San Diego? Nothing?

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I have spent the better part of the last two and a half days in bed. It's the one place I can be alone with my thoughts. Well, "being alone" in the sense of shutting out the world while I spend quality time with my two greatest accomplishments in life. Funny thing is that I did a lot less thinking than I had hoped and way more snuggling and getting loved on than I had planned. And somewhere in all of that I realized that it's not through me that I find my strength- it's through them. No matter where I go, what I decide to do on this journey, or how many times someone turns me down, I will always have them to remind me that I do matter to someone. For that, they will always hold the most important piece of me.

Broken

It's ironic that the title of my blog is the Broken Road. I have never felt as broken as I do tonight. I don't ever give up on anything. Ever. But I think that there comes a time when you really have to analyze your goals. If goals are unrealistic, sometimes it's more of a disservice to yourself to keep chasing them. Sometimes it's not. It takes a lot of reflection to be able to determine the difference. I am doing nothing tonight. I'm not running, I'm not going to the gym, and I'm not climbing. I'm going to sit in my bed and do nothing. Maybe just being will let me figure out where to go from here. If nothing else, at least I'll be well rested. As great as I am at being strong for everyone else, it's never been more apparent to me tonight that sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on too.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
- Hermann Hesse

The Race

"Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing." -Vince Lombardi

Lake Elsinore Survivor Mud Run
September 24, 2011

Race day was beautiful, sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky- though a little hot by my gun time (10:30am). The stadium was packed and there were already tons of people that had finished from earlier gun times. I was a little confused since most of the people that had run were wet, but not that muddy. The beginning of the race was rough, a lot of uneven off road terrain and no mud for the first mile and a half.

By a mile or so in there were noticable grumbles from other runners about the lack of mud. If only they knew what was around the corner... when they brought the mud, they brought the mud.

At the end of four long trenches filled with thick, sticky mud, I would have loved to step on a scale. I'm willing to bet I was at least 10 lbs heavier. We were all covered from nose to toes. The real trick was getting back into a running grove with the added weight and wet, soggy clothes. I managed to find a rhythm again and actually found that running helped the mud come off more easily.

The obstacles were not that difficult, although the 10 foot tall cargo net almost sent me into a panic attack since the last time I was on a cargo net I hurt my knee. The four foot tall solid walls were easier than I expected, giving me hope that one day I might actually make it over a six foot wall.

The run was one of the better mud runs I've done and definately pushed me. I came in just over an hour. I must admit, I was disappointed with my time when I finished- I really wanted to keep my time under an hour this run. If there is one thing that I have learned though, it is that comparing mud run to mud run is like comparing apples to oranges. Because of the difference in terrain, elevation, and obstacles, there simply isn't a way to compare.

Results were posted the following day and it was amazing for me to see how far I've come since my last run just two months ago. In the Irvine Lake Mud Run I was top 50% overall and top 35% in my brackets. At the Lake Elsinore Mud Run, I was top 25% overall (men and women) and top 13% in both my brackets.

I have been sore this week. I didn't realize how much I pushed myself until the adrenaline started wearing off. But I finally know exactly what they mean when they say, "Pain is temporary, pride is forever." I admit I have been starting to drag on my training recently. I am hoping that this boost will give me the confidence and the motivation to kick it up a notch.

This is really just the beginning of something amazing.