New Directions

"Where there is no struggle, there is no strength." Unknown

In July, in a huge leap of faith, I applied to the San Diego Police Department as a Police Recruit. It is and always will be the place I would love to work. I can't think of anything better than being able to work for a city that I love. Unfortunately, the City of San Diego aparently does not love me as much as I love it. At least not the Police Department.

I can't say that I blame them all that much. They can only test the most qualified applicants and a 30-year-old mom definately doesn't scream "qualified." Understandable? Yes. Heartbreaking? Hell yes. I guess a part of me was hoping they'd at least give me a chance to prove myself. And, if nothing else, give them a chance to fill some kind of old woman, equal rights quota or something.

I still really haven't figured out what my next move is. It's obvious that life is like a game of chess right now and I have to analyze the entire board. I had an opportunity to apply for an academy but I turned it down, more on the advice of others than my own personal goals. I saw it as a great chance to get my foot in the door, while still being able to work full time. But my sentiments were not shared with those whose lives it would have affected as well. So, now all I have to my name are two blown opportunities.

I have people encouraging me to not give up. But I think that's just sort of the cliche thing to say in a situation like this. It's never been more tantalizing to just let go than it is right now. And it has nothing to do with getting rejected by the one place that I've wanted to work, the only place to adjust their hearing standards. It's because I've let go of this dream before. I did give up on it. I couldn't fight the battle anymore because it was just a constant reminder that I would never get where I wanted to be. This dream was resurected. I feel like letting go again would not be nearly as tragic as it was the first time.

I don't like giving up. And I'm not a quitter. Realistically, I'm just trying to find ways to make myself happy. Is that selfish? Maybe a little. I know one thing for sure- my epic fail with the City of San Diego didn't make me happy. Never in a million years did I expect it to end the way it did.

Maybe it means I'm self confident that I don't face every situation with trepidation, pessimism, and worry. But seriously, how many more times can I go through that before I become a bitter, angry person? What do I do now? Apply to other Departments knowing they won't accept me after the medical exam? Reapply to San Diego? Nothing?

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I have spent the better part of the last two and a half days in bed. It's the one place I can be alone with my thoughts. Well, "being alone" in the sense of shutting out the world while I spend quality time with my two greatest accomplishments in life. Funny thing is that I did a lot less thinking than I had hoped and way more snuggling and getting loved on than I had planned. And somewhere in all of that I realized that it's not through me that I find my strength- it's through them. No matter where I go, what I decide to do on this journey, or how many times someone turns me down, I will always have them to remind me that I do matter to someone. For that, they will always hold the most important piece of me.