Just Keep Training

Ran my first ever 10k today. My goal was under 1:10, and I crossed at 1:05. Happy girl. Still looking ahead to my race in January.

Meanwhile, blogging has gotten a little more difficult without internet at home.

Back in the Saddle

Had a few weeks off after the egg retrieval on November 4th but got back into the swing of things pretty quickly. Picked up a nearby race last minute- ran the Defender Dash at the Sheriff's Training Center on November 19. It was about 50 degrees and absolutely frigid in the mud pits, but it was a good race nonetheless.

The race was sponsored by Riverside County Sheriff, Riverside Fire, and March Air Reserve Base and a good majority of the people running were Sheriff, Fire, or military. The race was decent, didn't feel all that difficult in the midst of it. However, it looks like I was beaten and dragged- my body is covered in bruises and cuts and my toe nail just fell off. I look the worst now that I ever have after a race. I guess that means it was a good race. ;-) I finished 8th in my bracket and I'm pretty happy with my time and my pace, so good all the way around.

Been taking it easy this week because the war wounds have me a little sore still. Still managed to PR on my lat pull again, up to 160 now. I'm also good for a little comic relief at the gym apparently. Guys are always laughing at my methods of working the lat pull bar down given that I'm lifting more than I weigh and I will occasionally be left hanging off the bar. I've had a few guys offer to help, but most just stand back and laugh...until I get the bar down and do a couple reps. Then they shut up. Hehehe.

Signed up for a 10k on December 10 in preparation for my 8+ mile run in January. My first road race since I really got back into it, should be interesting. Still working on backgrounds with SDPD, fingers crossed!

Borrowed strength

There are no words to describe the dedication and power. This gives me strength when my own fails me. ♥

"I can do all thing through Him who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13

Pause

Got a call today from a detective with SDPD regarding my backgrounds. I guess this is really where it all starts. Starting to get more and more nervous with each passing day. It's so crazy because I've been through these backgrounds before and never had a problem. But I think the idea of anyone inspecting every facet of your life is always little nerve wracking. The idea of someone doing it for a job with my dream department, even worse.

Workouts have come to a screetching halt for the time being. Started the second round of injections for the egg donation on Monday and woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus. Flu-like symptoms, joint pain, back pain, headaches... a whole mess of awesomeness. Apparently, these are common side effects from one of the medications and they're making it virtually impossible to do much of anything, let alone work out.

Thankfully the process itself is short and it's such an amazing gift to be able to give someone. I remind myself that the ultimate goal is a baby and it helps me push through the day when I can barely move. The pain meds did help quite a bit but have also left me a little groggy. I keep repeating to myself, "10 more days, 10 more days..." "9 more days, 9 more days..." We are looking at egg retrieval on November 4-6 and I'll be out of commission for a few days afterward. After that, it's on. Time for the big guns and gearing up for my big race(s) in January.

Testing, testing, one, two, three...

After a stressful drive down to San Diego, I made it to my test with time to spare. About 50 people had come to test. I was done in plenty of time and had until 12:45 when I would get my results. I wasn't worried until I saw person after person walking out with failed test results. I admit, although the test was very much common sense, I was still nervous. But it was my lucky day and I passed the test along with about 20 others. We were shuttled off to our initial background and spent the next three hours seated comfortably in a hard, plastic chair hashing out every ungodly detail of our lives to complete strangers. I think it's meant by design to make you feel a little beat up. A healthy dose of getting ready for the academy.

On my way home, because my day wasn't exciting already, I got rear ended on the freeway ...from the front. Could only happen to me. As if getting hit weren't enough the crazy girl seriously thought I hit her and refused to give me her information. Soooo, a call to CHP and her getting chewed a new one by two officers and my day was finally over. What is it about my crazy life?

And apparently something was sparked in me because I followed it all up with two new PR's on Saturday night. A brand new 2:10/mile on the bike followed by a 150 max on the lat pull. And because I'm just never satisfied, I managed two real hammer pull pull-ups and two chin ups on Sunday.

Is this what it feels like?

After a somewhat stressful day at work yesterday, I decided to hit the gym and work through some of that pent up energy. I had pretty low expectations since I figured my brain would be in a million other places. But as I settled in on the bike, everything else drained away, sort of like it does during a good run. I could hear my breathing, even over my music and it was rhythmic and pushed me even harder. I realized about 20 minutes in that I was going a lot faster than I had before. By the time I got to my 2 minute cool down I had already passed my PR. I've hung around 2:22 a mile for a while now and I crushed that last night with 2:15 a mile. Of course, I couldn't be satisfied with that alone. So I maxed my lat pull too. :-) I'm at 140 now and I'm on my way to pull ups. I could stand to feel like I did last night every night but then again, maybe getting it infrequently is part of what makes it special. Whatever it is, I'm still floating.

Confession

So, my blogs about San Diego hating me may have been a bit premature. Although I can't be faulted for my response, at least not in my humble opinion.

I did hear through the grapevine that San Diego had sent out invites on Friday 10/7 to take the written test, which was confirmed by the Department's employment website. It essentially reported that invites to test had been sent out and if you didn't receive one, thanks but no thanks.

I checked my email so many times that Friday that I'm surprised my phone didn't start cussing me out. Every time my inbox was empty. It was a long weekend and I had Monday off of work. Plenty of time to mope around all weekend- which I did fantastically. A Facebook post and two blog posts later, I was sufficiently complained out.

What I did not expect was to open my work email only to have an invitation to test staring at me. Wow. Now I feel like an ass.

Apparently, even though I input my personal email about a million times with the intention of having any correspondence available on my phone, the employment website the city uses had my work email as my "registered email" thereby overriding my personal email.

So, as much as it pains me to say, I was wrong. And, although I hate admitting that, there's nothing I'd rather have been wrong about than this. So, thank you San Diego for at least pretending to give this fat, old lady a chance. I'll see you Thursday. Best of luck to all the candidates. Aww, who am I kidding? Everyone out of my way- I've got something to prove to myself. ;-)

Back on the horse

I've jumped back into training and I forgot how good the endorphins feel. I'm switching it up a bit now, doing a lot of riding and upper body weight training.

With the gradual move to the time change, it's now totally dark when I would be running during football practice. Since I was typically running from home to practice (3-4 miles depending on my route) coupled with my desire to not have my body dumped in an open field, I'm not running to practice anymore. The route options for me are both too risky in the dark. That, and I'm really not a treadmill runner.

My goals for now are to PR on my ride and to finally master a pull up. Was so close to a PR tonight I could taste it. Need to drop below 2:22/mile to claim it and tonight was 2:23/mile. What a tease.

As for the pull up, I can get my forehead up to the bar so far so I keep asking myself what's another 6-8 inches? I have been working on reverse pull ups as recommended by several people and started working out on the lat pull at the gym. A few days ago, I realized that the lat pull should essentially be the equivalent of lifting my own body weight if I was able to do a pull up. Tonight I maxed out at 130. I am stoked right now. I probably could have pushed it more, but I am very, very happy with my max.

Oh, crap. Now I have to beat my PR AND my lat pull max.

New Directions

"Where there is no struggle, there is no strength." Unknown

In July, in a huge leap of faith, I applied to the San Diego Police Department as a Police Recruit. It is and always will be the place I would love to work. I can't think of anything better than being able to work for a city that I love. Unfortunately, the City of San Diego aparently does not love me as much as I love it. At least not the Police Department.

I can't say that I blame them all that much. They can only test the most qualified applicants and a 30-year-old mom definately doesn't scream "qualified." Understandable? Yes. Heartbreaking? Hell yes. I guess a part of me was hoping they'd at least give me a chance to prove myself. And, if nothing else, give them a chance to fill some kind of old woman, equal rights quota or something.

I still really haven't figured out what my next move is. It's obvious that life is like a game of chess right now and I have to analyze the entire board. I had an opportunity to apply for an academy but I turned it down, more on the advice of others than my own personal goals. I saw it as a great chance to get my foot in the door, while still being able to work full time. But my sentiments were not shared with those whose lives it would have affected as well. So, now all I have to my name are two blown opportunities.

I have people encouraging me to not give up. But I think that's just sort of the cliche thing to say in a situation like this. It's never been more tantalizing to just let go than it is right now. And it has nothing to do with getting rejected by the one place that I've wanted to work, the only place to adjust their hearing standards. It's because I've let go of this dream before. I did give up on it. I couldn't fight the battle anymore because it was just a constant reminder that I would never get where I wanted to be. This dream was resurected. I feel like letting go again would not be nearly as tragic as it was the first time.

I don't like giving up. And I'm not a quitter. Realistically, I'm just trying to find ways to make myself happy. Is that selfish? Maybe a little. I know one thing for sure- my epic fail with the City of San Diego didn't make me happy. Never in a million years did I expect it to end the way it did.

Maybe it means I'm self confident that I don't face every situation with trepidation, pessimism, and worry. But seriously, how many more times can I go through that before I become a bitter, angry person? What do I do now? Apply to other Departments knowing they won't accept me after the medical exam? Reapply to San Diego? Nothing?

As ashamed as I am to admit it, I have spent the better part of the last two and a half days in bed. It's the one place I can be alone with my thoughts. Well, "being alone" in the sense of shutting out the world while I spend quality time with my two greatest accomplishments in life. Funny thing is that I did a lot less thinking than I had hoped and way more snuggling and getting loved on than I had planned. And somewhere in all of that I realized that it's not through me that I find my strength- it's through them. No matter where I go, what I decide to do on this journey, or how many times someone turns me down, I will always have them to remind me that I do matter to someone. For that, they will always hold the most important piece of me.

Broken

It's ironic that the title of my blog is the Broken Road. I have never felt as broken as I do tonight. I don't ever give up on anything. Ever. But I think that there comes a time when you really have to analyze your goals. If goals are unrealistic, sometimes it's more of a disservice to yourself to keep chasing them. Sometimes it's not. It takes a lot of reflection to be able to determine the difference. I am doing nothing tonight. I'm not running, I'm not going to the gym, and I'm not climbing. I'm going to sit in my bed and do nothing. Maybe just being will let me figure out where to go from here. If nothing else, at least I'll be well rested. As great as I am at being strong for everyone else, it's never been more apparent to me tonight that sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on too.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
- Hermann Hesse

The Race

"Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing." -Vince Lombardi

Lake Elsinore Survivor Mud Run
September 24, 2011

Race day was beautiful, sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky- though a little hot by my gun time (10:30am). The stadium was packed and there were already tons of people that had finished from earlier gun times. I was a little confused since most of the people that had run were wet, but not that muddy. The beginning of the race was rough, a lot of uneven off road terrain and no mud for the first mile and a half.

By a mile or so in there were noticable grumbles from other runners about the lack of mud. If only they knew what was around the corner... when they brought the mud, they brought the mud.

At the end of four long trenches filled with thick, sticky mud, I would have loved to step on a scale. I'm willing to bet I was at least 10 lbs heavier. We were all covered from nose to toes. The real trick was getting back into a running grove with the added weight and wet, soggy clothes. I managed to find a rhythm again and actually found that running helped the mud come off more easily.

The obstacles were not that difficult, although the 10 foot tall cargo net almost sent me into a panic attack since the last time I was on a cargo net I hurt my knee. The four foot tall solid walls were easier than I expected, giving me hope that one day I might actually make it over a six foot wall.

The run was one of the better mud runs I've done and definately pushed me. I came in just over an hour. I must admit, I was disappointed with my time when I finished- I really wanted to keep my time under an hour this run. If there is one thing that I have learned though, it is that comparing mud run to mud run is like comparing apples to oranges. Because of the difference in terrain, elevation, and obstacles, there simply isn't a way to compare.

Results were posted the following day and it was amazing for me to see how far I've come since my last run just two months ago. In the Irvine Lake Mud Run I was top 50% overall and top 35% in my brackets. At the Lake Elsinore Mud Run, I was top 25% overall (men and women) and top 13% in both my brackets.

I have been sore this week. I didn't realize how much I pushed myself until the adrenaline started wearing off. But I finally know exactly what they mean when they say, "Pain is temporary, pride is forever." I admit I have been starting to drag on my training recently. I am hoping that this boost will give me the confidence and the motivation to kick it up a notch.

This is really just the beginning of something amazing.

Month One

One month down. Feels like so much longer when I stop to think about it. Even when I am so sore I don't want to move, I still love the way my body feels. There's nothing in the world like feeling your body respond when you want to push your limits. The things I've accomplished in one month are both exciting and motivating.

Add to that the fact that I found today that the requirements for the academy have changed and no longer list a 1.5 mile run in the activities in the Physical Fitness Test. I am still shooting for an 8 minute mile as this will no doubt help me succeed in the academy. But knowing it's not looming over my head is a huge relief.

Tonight I PR'd. Almost made the full 1.5 miles like I had hoped but ran out of road before I finished. But it was over a mile and it was under 9 minutes a mile. Just for the sake of comparison:

On July 9, 2011 (before I started training), I ran 1.59 miles in 21:36 with a 13:36 min per mile.
On August 28, 2011, I ran 1.4 miles in 13:10 with a 9:25 min per mile.
On September 14, 2011, I ran 1.26 miles in 11:08 with an 8:48 min per mile.

I am floating on a cloud. I know it's not much and I know I still have a ton of work to do to get where I want to be, but it's a huge step in the right direction. I'm one happy girl tonight.

Without further ado... my totals for the month:
26.81 miles run
115.28 miles biked

Look at that! I ran a marathon. And it only took me a month. Lol. ;-)

Seeing Results

“There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them.” –Bruce Lee

Great 24 mile bike ride today, random hill setting and all. Definitely feeling all these workouts this week. Yet, as much as I probably need a rest day, I'm too pumped up now to take one. Starting to see a lot of changes to my body and it's exciting now that the changes are starting to be physical and it all seems a little more tangible.

Working through my first of many plateaus now and thinking about how truly lucky I am to be able to chase my dreams. Each day I wake up and I remind myself how grateful I am to have this opportunity along with all the amazing people in my life I get to share it with. On the days that I forget to do it for myself, I remember to do it for them and, in a way, they own my victories as much as I do.

Now I'm Sore....

First day running distance runs back to back. Definitely slower than I had hoped but trying to cut myself a break since it was still 100 degrees out when I started and I ran over 4 miles yesterday too. My legs are feeling it, but I keep reminding myself of one of many Marine Corps mottos: Pain is weakness leaving the body. Simply reframing it seems to make it more bearable. Plus, I kind of feel like a rockstar when I think about the fact that I ran 8.5 miles in two days.

Will be taking my broken body to the gym tomorrow for a nice long bike ride. Hoping to ride for over an hour and get in the same ballpark as some of my previous distances. Who knows, maybe I'll throw a run in there too.

Been keeping up with my daily goal for sit ups and push ups. They get broken up a lot though so now I'm going to focus on getting more per set rather than fewer in more sets. Still haven't started my Beachbody program but I have been completely unconscious at 5:30 every morning after being up late the night before. Hopefully we'll get into a routine here soon so I can start adding that in too.

Big dreams for big goals. Still walking tall, even though I'm still very slow. Hahaha.

Working Hard

Great run tonight. Making the runs longer and longer as time permits and feeling good with the outcome. It's always a challenge since the last part of my run, no matter which route I take, is in sandy soil. Add that to the recent temps of mid 90's during my run and it's been a killer. I know it will help in the end- figuring out how to power through it and kick it up at the end of a run. Feeling great about my race on the 24th since many of my runs are near or over the 3.8 miles the race will be. The January race, well that's another story. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Like I keep telling myself- head up, heels down....

We will get there.

Wanted: Motivator

Can't shake this "blah" feeling. Need to just power through it, but I'm feeling so unmotivated. These are the times where I wish I had someone that would talk me up and keep me going. Someone that would get me out and hit the pavement with me. Or at least get me moving and out the door. I know that motivation should come from within. But sometimes it's okay to have a motivator in your life for those times when the self motivation is coming a little more slowly. Just have to keep reminding myself to keep my head up, my heels down, and my direction forward. Eventually I will make it. There's no choice but to be successful.

Looking Up

Decided to add up my distances over the past week tonight. I have run 7.5 miles and biked 56.5 miles in one week. Amazing to see the totals since it doesn't really feel like that much. Legs are getting sore and an upper body day tomorrow probably wouldn't be a bad idea. I'm still feeling a little funky/sick and I'm pulling an all nighter tonight to work on a report so it may just be a rest day altogether.

Must admit, I've been getting a little down not seeing the numbers on the scale change at all. I know things are working and changing because I can feel them, but it's hard when it's not noticable one day to the next. I am still in disbelief that I bought an XS shirt the other week and it actually fit! Regardless, it's still nice to see the numbers get smaller. *Hoping*

Who knew?

Decided to take little man on a run with me tonight. We used the Super Spartan Workout of the Day as inspiration.

Three reps:
Half mile run, 200m bear crawl, 200m sprint
Cool down: Quarter mile jog

First, may I just say, bear crawls SUCK! Lol.

Found out he's got me in the speed department but, man, his stamina stinks! Surprised me a little considering the fact that he's working out in football for two hours a night, but I guess football is more like sprints and less like distance running in that they run a play and then rest over and over.

I had to laugh when he started off sprinting away from me and running to the nearest bench to sit and wait for me only to be asking at less than a mile if we could please stop. Haha.

We both had fun though- a lot more fun than either one of us expected to have. And, even though it certainly wasn't any record breaking time for me, I think I'll be taking him out with me a lot more often. :0)

Get Moving

Despite being sick, yesterday was actually a good day training wise. Spent two hours at the gym in the morning, biked 26 miles on the random hill setting at a 2.5 min/mi pace and did countless sit ups and figure 8's with the medicine ball.

Felt so much better after leaving the gym, much more renewed and my head was so much less congested. Had a great afternoon with the kids, enjoyed the day and the cooler temperatures (if the high 90's are considered "cooler temperatures").

Went for a short but productive run last night after it cooled off some. Starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel as far as making time for the PFT. Managed a 9:24 min/mi for 1.4 miles, getting closer and closer to the 8 min/mi for 1.5 miles that I need to hit. It was hot and I was a sweaty mess by the time I made it back to the house, but I was happy-ish with the results.

I was looking back at my blog last night and I realized it's really only been two weeks of hard work (and even then I've been slacking more than I probably should be) and I've come a long way already. I can't wait to finally see the numbers I want to see and I'm sort of having fun finding new ways to work out. I never thought I'd enjoy biking as much as I do and it doesn't seem like I'm all that bad at it. Maybe this whole triathlon thing isn't such a far off idea.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

It's been a rough week. The heat is really starting to get to me and it's seriously limiting the time I have available to train. Some nights it stays so warm that it's not even comfortable to go out in the middle of the night and exercise. Gotta love living in the desert.

Saturdays are now consumed with football. Spending all day in the extreme heat seems to literally just suck the energy right out of me. Add that to the fact that I'm getting sick. I really, really need to sweat this junk out of me before it hits me full force. I can't lose any more momentum right now and taking a couple weeks off to take care of a cold is not on my agenda.

Tomorrow I'll be hitting the gym early. Well, early for a Sunday. And I'm gonna kick out whatever this junk in my sinuses is. Happy Sunday to me.

Considering ways to integrate my Beachbody training too. This week I'm going to try hitting my Beachbody workouts at 5:30am before work with sprint training, long runs, and biking in the evenings.

Had a long talk with a good friend last night. It's nice to have people in my life that tell me I can do it. And it means a lot more when it's coming from someone that you don't feel is just being supportive but who actually means it. I doubt any of my close friends really know just how important they are in this process. Hopefully one day they will understand just how much I owe them.

Step It Up

Time to step up cross training. Starting tomorrow, I'll be incorporating (at least) 200 sit ups, 200 push ups, and 200 lunges every day to be done incrementally throughout the day. I'm also going to put more focus on my diet. I was doing well at first and have slacked off some due to busy days at work. No more excuses. No more junk food. And no more soda!!

I am continually floored at how drastically my body responds to different types of fuel. I notice huge changes to the way I feel and my energy levels based on what I eat. Time to focus on fresh food and balanced diets. Not cutting out junk food altogether, but definitely in moderation. And the amazing way my body feels and performs when I treat it well is thanks enough.

Training

Looking for new ways to step up my training. Picked up a weighted vest this week, 20 lbs max. Lemme just say, 20 lbs hanging on your body feels a hell of a lot heavier than you reasonably think it should. Ran with it for the first time tonight, only 6 lbs to start, not trying to kill myself after all. Wow, did that bring down my run time. (I'm pretty sure a snail passed me.) Went from a comfortable 10:30/mi to 11:30/mi for a total of 3 miles. But it's just a start. My hope is that I can get more comfortable with the vest and then *crossing fingers* my run time without the vest will increase. We'll see how well my theory plays out...

Secrets

There are very few people in my life that know about my decision to pursue a law enforcement career. Well, very few people in my real life.

I can't decide if I'm not telling people because I am afraid of failing and want the fewest amount of people to know if I don't make it or if I'm afraid of negative reactions. I guess a little of both.

Ironically, it was my ex that convinced me to pursue my dreams. Maybe because he knows how much I gave up to support his dreams while we were together. He encouraged me to apply and assured me many times that I was physically capable of meeting the requirements. It's certainly appreciated, but I'm still not sure where he gets that much confidence in me.

While I admit I'm scared about the possibilities and of how far I have to go before I will qualify; I have noticed I'm walking a little taller, smiling a little more, and enjoying my life the way that I have needed to for a long time since making the decision to go for it. I am comfortable with myself and I can already see positive changes in my run times and my endurance. Each small victory takes me one step closer to the dream.

As much as I enjoy being happy and upbeat, people are starting to notice. And now, I don't know what to say when people ask me why I'm so happy. I've been trying to make up lots of excuses, but I'm running out. Haha. How many times can I say I'm happy because it's not Monday or because it's 4 o'clock before someone realizes I'm fibbing?

Spent much needed quality time with my dad this weekend and he was probing as well. We talked about my run training and what races I have planned. He had this look to him that I haven't seen in a long time. I think it was pride. He said that he's never seen me so motivated before and was wondering what was behind it. He knows me all too well. Luckily, my stepmother didn't let me get a word out of my mouth before she was scolding him for asking. I can't bring myself to tell either of my parents. I don't know why, I'm close to both of them. I think I'm just scared of not getting their approval. I will tell them eventually... I mean, I have to invite them to my graduation from the academy, right? ;-)

For now, it's just my confidants that are in the loop. And that's how it's going to stay. I guess the handful of people in my life that know will have to be really good at keeping secrets.

Shh!!!

The Beginning...

"To get something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done."

Through the trials and tribulations in my life there has been one person that's always there for me. Someone that I have always put second (or third, or fourth...). Someone I have neglected terribly. Myself. I am finally at the point in my life where I understand if I am happy, I will make those around me happy as well. So, the reinvention has been launched.

I have fully committed myself to living each day to its fullest. To embodying the person I want my children to be. To never put off for tomorrow what I can achieve today.

I want to run a marathon. I want to see the world. I want to compete in a Triathlon. I want to skydive. I will. I must condition myself to say "I will" and not "I want" or "I plan." Those are too impermanent. I will.

First things first. The marathon. With two decent mud runs under my belt, I have one more on the agenda. September 24th I run the Survivor Mud Run in Lake Elsinore. Plans were to run a 15k in Chicago in November; but plans for that fell through, leaving me with no more races until January 28th when I run the Super Spartan at Vail Lake. An 8+ mile hard core obstacle course, not intended for the feint of heart. I can't wait.

After that, it's marathon training. Haven't settled on the marathon to run yet. Will likely try to get into the San Fransisco Nike Women's Marathon, which typically runs in October and opens to registration via lottery in April. Truly, the venue doesn't matter as much as the run does. I will finish.

As much as I love to be active for myself and my kids, in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit I do have ulterior motives. But that's a long story....

I grew up with a hearing loss and was conditioned to being told my whole life that I couldn't do things because of it. When I got older, I started to push the system, hoping for change. I fought for years against "minimum qualifications." I wrote the Governor(s), the President, the Department of Justice, and POST appealing to them to modify their standards. My primary point, the POST standards allow people with vision loss to use "corrective devices" (glasses/contacts) but they do not allow the same for those with hearing loss.

I finished college and got a job in a field that matched my major (sociology/social work). For the past 7.5 years, I have had a job. Not a career, not a profession, not a love. A job. And depending on the day, it can be incredibly rewarding or incredibly frustrating. I have longed every day for the opportunity that I feel like I missed because of my ears. I gave up on the dream several years ago. And, at a point in my life where I had started to search desperately for a job that I would enjoy, I stumbled upon information that literally has changed my life.

Two weeks ago, I learned that POST had updated their standards and now allow "corrective devices" for vision AND hearing losses. At the same time, I had been referred to a specialist through my doctor to see if I can get some of my hearing back.

One week ago, I applied for a position as a Police Recruit with the City of San Diego.

That is terrifying to say out loud. And yet it makes my heart race. I love the City and if I had to pick one Department anywhere to work for, San Diego would be it. It's where my heart is. It's one of the first Departments to adopt the new POST standards and I couldn't have discovered it at a better time.

I don't expect any of it to be easy. And I have so many things running through my head telling me I'm crazy and I should give up. But, what's the point of living if you're not really LIVING? And what's the point of getting up every morning if you're not getting out of bed to do something that makes you happy? Maybe it's the mid-life crisis but I will not look back on my life with regrets. End of story.

I will live every day to the absolute maximum. I will be happy, kind, and generous. I will accept that there are things I can not change and I will simply let them go. I will live MY life the way I want people to talk about it after I'm gone. I will.